Place marks and promises.

July 1, 2010

How much do I love the chance to make another resolution I won’t fulfill or a deadline that I’ll never meet. I’m the queen of making promises, looking to make a clean sweep that is lost and forgotten after a few days. Maybe I’m complacent, a procrastinator or just not motivated enough.

Two years ago was the big one- and it changed me, but not in the way I expected. I had the secondment, the change that was going to improve my life. I wasn’t going to be a teacher anymore- I was going to be a curriculum writer for on line course. It was encompassed almost everything I wanted to do in education. It was a change of direction, a step to the better, an acknowledgment of what I could do. What it turned out to be was an indulgent term of feeling undirected and inadequate.

It was about then I pretty much stopped my personal blogging, I stopped photographing (again) and gave up on any size acceptance activism because I had something that needed my focus. When I went back to work, I was lost and not happy to be back where I was. When I had another chance at it, it was taken away from me so quickly I lost my breath- or I forgot to breathe. It took away my direction, my self- confidence, my professional confidence, and my passion. I’ve tried to put this explanation into words so many times, but it hasn’t come. Now I am forcing it out- I need it to be gone. I feel I have to start again.

The six months afterwards were shocking- I was depressed. I sought support- tried to improve in other areas. It worked a little. I found things to do. Don’t get me wrong- once I got professional help, I felt better, just not great. My husband has been an absolute lifeline through this- even when it was tough it was good to know I had two things to rely on: his love and support.

Last September things started to improve- change was at hand. I had taken on another role (I suffer committeeitis, when you can’t say no to a committee role and then have several) where I felt like I was contributing and doing something valuable for my derby community. I was told I could move schools- it meant a change of role, and change in expectations and losing the baggage.

Personally and professionally I’ve had a lot of baggage to lose- I’m not convinced I’m through it all, but I think it’s time to work towards something because I’ve passed those landmarks.: over two years since my Grandpy passed, two years since my dream job wasn’t, six months since I’ve changed roles.

With those anniversaries marked off, it’s time to do the ‘clean slate’, personal improvement, resolution thing. There’s six months of clear space on my calendar- I’m not making promises, but I’m looking to make improvements :

• journal more- but not necessarily here/. I need to be aware of and able to articulate my feelings- but I’m thinking I’m too old to do that publicly.
• photograph more – it makes me happy, it’s a form of journaling and it will only get better with practice. I just think I need to take the pressure off myself to photograph everyday or do this or that, or be like this person or that. It’s my hobby- I’ll interpret it how I like.
• get back the passion for teaching. Try to remember what I got out of it in the first place, start pushing for and using IT again, getting organised.
• get stronger- actually follow up on medical appointments, do something about physical activity again, so that I feel better physically as well as mentally.
• make time for it all- the shorthand for this is “get off the internets”. Actually manage my time and focus on what I need not just wander willy nilly through everything the interwebs offers (possibly harder to do than say for an information junkie like me).

Posted in Uncategorised