Even before the internet, I spent a lot of time in my head. Then I spent a lot of time online. The internet in the late 90s taught me lots of things. The early 00s brought me an online network of like minded people who inspired me to size acceptance and photography.

Once I loved blogs- I would spend hours online looking into other people’s lives. Loving what they had to say, admiring their design, their courage, their humour. Once I loved to blog- I berated myself if I didn’t do it weekly, even if I didn’t have anything to say. I was the girl who always taking pictures, here and there, but particularly at social gatherings, I held onto every moment. So many of those photos ended up online. For a while there, I twittered too. I found myself a circle of folks whose words and moments I felt I was part of.

But things have changed. These days, you don’t need a personal website- because now you’ve got facebook for all your online communication needs. You don’t spend hours on a design, changing it monthly, because that’ll never work on a mobile device.

I changed too- once my circle of friends was small, I lived miles from them and when we got together, every moment counted. Even when I came back to the city I held onto that for so long, photos here and there. Now I only take a few, probably on my phone and even they won’t be online.

I still read blogs from time to time, and occasionally twitter, but my life is now enveloped by something else, something larger. I have lots of friends, or at least that’s what facebook tells me, but I don’t have much time for what I loved to do: spend time with friends, watch movies, take photos, blog. I’m something and someone else- and now I don’t want to share what’s within me with the rest of the world. I don’t think it’s my stage in life, my job or my mind. I still spend a lot of time in my head, just now I no longer want to live out loud. Maybe it’s proof I didn’t have that much to say anyway.

So to the meagre few who passed this way, I say thank you for reading and commenting. To the real life friends who shared those moments, I embrace you. To crashingsilence.net- you are now like an old friend:thank you for giving me an outlet, a voice, a focus, an chance to learn so much and an experience.

Good- bye

I expect in the not too distant future, I’ll shut down the blog, and have the domain redirect to whatever lights the spark for me in my future

I know people who were stressed, panicked, isolated, homeless and lost everything- I feel for them.

All that time I was stuck- paralysed, lost, and disconnected. It makes me realise how useless I would be in a crisis. It also made me think about how much I am letting go- of everything.

When thousands of volunteers ventured out last weekend, we put in a few hours to help our friends. It made me feel better- but now I feel guilty about how little I had done.

In a way, it made me think of where my head’s been at while I haven’t been blogging like I did. I probably have a lot more emotion than I did, often a flood of emotion- but really don’t want to share it with others, I don’t need other people to see that. It has also made me realise how much I have let slip by me- events wise, change wise even though I occasionally journal, occasionally take pictures, it’s not the same. I think I need to document still – just maybe not share.

So I’m going to blog- no timeframe, no agenda, no pressure and see if it works, or if I really can keep doing this.

Two years ago was the big one- and it changed me, but not in the way I expected. I had the secondment, the change that was going to improve my life. I wasn’t going to be a teacher anymore- I was going to be a curriculum writer for on line course. It was encompassed almost everything I wanted to do in education. It was a change of direction, a step to the better, an acknowledgment of what I could do. What it turned out to be was an indulgent term of feeling undirected and inadequate.

It was about then I pretty much stopped my personal blogging, I stopped photographing (again) and gave up on any size acceptance activism because I had something that needed my focus. When I went back to work, I was lost and not happy to be back where I was. When I had another chance at it, it was taken away from me so quickly I lost my breath- or I forgot to breathe. It took away my direction, my self- confidence, my professional confidence, and my passion. I’ve tried to put this explanation into words so many times, but it hasn’t come. Now I am forcing it out- I need it to be gone. I feel I have to start again.

The six months afterwards were shocking- I was depressed. I sought support- tried to improve in other areas. It worked a little. I found things to do. Don’t get me wrong- once I got professional help, I felt better, just not great. My husband has been an absolute lifeline through this- even when it was tough it was good to know I had two things to rely on: his love and support.

Last September things started to improve- change was at hand. I had taken on another role (I suffer committeeitis, when you can’t say no to a committee role and then have several) where I felt like I was contributing and doing something valuable for my derby community. I was told I could move schools- it meant a change of role, and change in expectations and losing the baggage.

Personally and professionally I’ve had a lot of baggage to lose- I’m not convinced I’m through it all, but I think it’s time to work towards something because I’ve passed those landmarks.: over two years since my Grandpy passed, two years since my dream job wasn’t, six months since I’ve changed roles.

With those anniversaries marked off, it’s time to do the ‘clean slate’, personal improvement, resolution thing. There’s six months of clear space on my calendar- I’m not making promises, but I’m looking to make improvements :

• journal more- but not necessarily here/. I need to be aware of and able to articulate my feelings- but I’m thinking I’m too old to do that publicly.
• photograph more – it makes me happy, it’s a form of journaling and it will only get better with practice. I just think I need to take the pressure off myself to photograph everyday or do this or that, or be like this person or that. It’s my hobby- I’ll interpret it how I like.
• get back the passion for teaching. Try to remember what I got out of it in the first place, start pushing for and using IT again, getting organised.
• get stronger- actually follow up on medical appointments, do something about physical activity again, so that I feel better physically as well as mentally.
• make time for it all- the shorthand for this is “get off the internets”. Actually manage my time and focus on what I need not just wander willy nilly through everything the interwebs offers (possibly harder to do than say for an information junkie like me).

I’m plagued by first world problems
Deadline season-
an overwhelming sense of obligation-

Not enough time to exercise
But my choice of social engagements
Too much good food and too few green leafy vegetables

Over stimulated and over consuming
of every moment, every opportunity
Are the simple moments passing me by too swiftly

with barely a whimper

I have not had that feeling for a while- I blame a number of things, not that I want to discuss them all in detail: twitter, an ongoing battle with depression, life changes in my extended family and friends. I’ve not wanted to discuss them in a public forum, or elude to them in hushed tones.

Over the last few weeks, I have been feeling slightly better. So I have begun to look at a shift in priorities, the support of new friends and the input of new ideas helps. As does the kind words of more established friends- even if they are not so sure where I am going with this.

So no obligation, no promises, no timetable, no arbitrary goals- but it’s time to begin a shift in priorities.

Some I’m meeting, some I’m working on, others I’m grateful for obligation (4 hours of training a week ).

To start I’ve redesigned my blog. After about 2 years- I have finally redesigned my blog. For so long I’ve been using a generic template because I just couldn’t do what I wanted. It’s not exactly what I wanted, but it’s close and I’m happy with myself because I’ve persevered. I’ll tweak some widgets and whatnot later.

Otherwise I went to Game on and GOMA today with the hubby, had a lovely time.

2008 was a bit of a roller coaster for me: I lost my Grandpy, had a chance at a writing contract, saw my best friend get married, found going back to the classroom difficult and continued to struggle with personal issues of health and fitness, fertility and depression.

Because of this I seem to have neglected many of things that make me happy- photography, writing and webstuff, spending time with friends.

Even as I headed into holidays there were so many things I wanted that I just haven’t got to, because of Christmas and illness- sewing, photos, movies.

So, I’m passing on resolutions. To be honest, I hate resolutions because the become a year end reminder of what I haven’t achieved.I’m going to put more thought and time into doing something more concrete, just not right now.

 Instead, I’m looking for little challenges in 2009