Even before the internet, I spent a lot of time in my head. Then I spent a lot of time online. The internet in the late 90s taught me lots of things. The early 00s brought me an online network of like minded people who inspired me to size acceptance and photography.

Once I loved blogs- I would spend hours online looking into other people’s lives. Loving what they had to say, admiring their design, their courage, their humour. Once I loved to blog- I berated myself if I didn’t do it weekly, even if I didn’t have anything to say. I was the girl who always taking pictures, here and there, but particularly at social gatherings, I held onto every moment. So many of those photos ended up online. For a while there, I twittered too. I found myself a circle of folks whose words and moments I felt I was part of.

But things have changed. These days, you don’t need a personal website- because now you’ve got facebook for all your online communication needs. You don’t spend hours on a design, changing it monthly, because that’ll never work on a mobile device.

I changed too- once my circle of friends was small, I lived miles from them and when we got together, every moment counted. Even when I came back to the city I held onto that for so long, photos here and there. Now I only take a few, probably on my phone and even they won’t be online.

I still read blogs from time to time, and occasionally twitter, but my life is now enveloped by something else, something larger. I have lots of friends, or at least that’s what facebook tells me, but I don’t have much time for what I loved to do: spend time with friends, watch movies, take photos, blog. I’m something and someone else- and now I don’t want to share what’s within me with the rest of the world. I don’t think it’s my stage in life, my job or my mind. I still spend a lot of time in my head, just now I no longer want to live out loud. Maybe it’s proof I didn’t have that much to say anyway.

So to the meagre few who passed this way, I say thank you for reading and commenting. To the real life friends who shared those moments, I embrace you. To crashingsilence.net- you are now like an old friend:thank you for giving me an outlet, a voice, a focus, an chance to learn so much and an experience.

Good- bye

I expect in the not too distant future, I’ll shut down the blog, and have the domain redirect to whatever lights the spark for me in my future

I know people who were stressed, panicked, isolated, homeless and lost everything- I feel for them.

All that time I was stuck- paralysed, lost, and disconnected. It makes me realise how useless I would be in a crisis. It also made me think about how much I am letting go- of everything.

When thousands of volunteers ventured out last weekend, we put in a few hours to help our friends. It made me feel better- but now I feel guilty about how little I had done.

In a way, it made me think of where my head’s been at while I haven’t been blogging like I did. I probably have a lot more emotion than I did, often a flood of emotion- but really don’t want to share it with others, I don’t need other people to see that. It has also made me realise how much I have let slip by me- events wise, change wise even though I occasionally journal, occasionally take pictures, it’s not the same. I think I need to document still – just maybe not share.

So I’m going to blog- no timeframe, no agenda, no pressure and see if it works, or if I really can keep doing this.

I’m plagued by first world problems
Deadline season-
an overwhelming sense of obligation-

Not enough time to exercise
But my choice of social engagements
Too much good food and too few green leafy vegetables

Over stimulated and over consuming
of every moment, every opportunity
Are the simple moments passing me by too swiftly

with barely a whimper

1. Frank- bw 2, 2. Champagne, 3. Bridal Docs, 4. Ring

Then get through Peter’s post-poned birthday and Halloween.

This week I was going to get my diet and excercise back on track, start sorting, cleaning and organising- so that Christmas and the lead up to the holidays wasn’t so scary.
That was before the fever and sore throat turned up on Sunday, so I took Monday off- just to make sure I didn’t get too run down. This morning I wake up and can’t walk on my left leg- I hadn’t tripped, fallen or banged it, so it freaked me right out. The doctor thinks it’s my Achilles tendon and prescribed rest, minimal weight- bearing movement, ic packs and ibuprofen.

Instead of using the time at home to catch up on work- I spent yesterday swapping wardrobes (no where near close to getting rid of my far too many clothes) and today watching strange movies and sorting through a backlog of deviant watches.

If I get back to work tomorrow it will be hectic and the next few weeks are socially and professionally manic. So I anticipate a lack of blog posts, photo processing and general catching up- which I know will send me spare. You have been warned.

Meanwhile, I don’t know if it was the fireworks on the weekend, but the city itself has taken on a lease of life as well. People look happier, they are dressed brighter and even the pedestrian traffic is moving faster.

Speaking of weekend fireworks, it was Tony’s birthday- as it always seems to be on Riverfire night. It was a day that successfully stretched my creativity- I made him tiger striped banana cupcakes, that turned out quite well (despite a few becoming a physics experiment) and taking 100s of fireworks photos. The backlog of shots to be processed grows and there seems to be no time. It’s so frustrating.

I’ve had a few late nights and dsiruption to my schedule- which has slowed me down a little. MIL’s surgery and prognosis is good, Dad’s back in the country for a couple of weeks before jetting off and my contract is slowly coming to an end.Took some interesting pics on the weekend, but waiting for the files (I love borrowing memory cards).

This weekend should be creative with Tiger banana cupcakes, riverfire and a bridesmaid dress fitting all on the cards- I might even squeeze in Hellboy 2, which I’m itching to see.

Funny story- my mother is a little concerned about my dad’s trip, even after 12 years of divorce- she rang up tonight with a warning about organ farmers. I know it was genuine concern, and she means well- let’s just say she was insistent and I will warn him.

Today was a good example- for the first time in a long time, I went into city hall for a meeting. Despite having good directions, I promptly got lost- and it was wonderful. Who knew we had such a beautiful building (crumbling at it’s foundations) in the heart of the city. Well, everyone knows it’s there- but I don’t think it gets a real appreciation unless you have a reason to go in there.

I had been before, many years ago for a Christmas pantomime that had performers from the ballet school I attended. Those distant faded memories never featured the amazing foyer with it’s checked floor and gorgeous roof.

This morning, was different, as it was in the heart of the building, I wandered long hallways that reminded me of noir film and rode in a elevator that was a steam punk dream.

I was actually meeting with folks from the Museum of Brisbane as part of my job- so I also got to see the Museum space, which is a wonderful thing in itself.

Later that afternoon, I went over to the State Library to do some research for this project- another gorgeous building close to the river. I sat, watched the river, read and researched, and appreciated the afternoon before catching the train home. There are times when I love this city.

When I go back to being a suburban girl in October. I think I’m going to make some time when I can to come in and enjoy the city, more than just a day of shopping, but time to experience and appreciate what else the city has to offer.

Knock wood, I’m hoping the flood gate have burst and my little bit of creative block is over. I’ve got a whole list of blogging and photo topics to think about, but while my brain is ticking away, let me share with you some of my thoughts.

It’s been a good day, and not just because there might have been good things on my Ipod- which in this new job, has sometimes been the measure of how good a day it is because everything else is a little tame and mundane. Today was really a good day- I got my local study module done, about a week overdue. I ran into an acquaintance at lunch- and had wonton soup. There was a gorgeous sunset this afternoon and BMB is relieved some of his work stress has subsided and so am I.

But I’ve also been thinking about a string of strange things, like how Donna Noble is my favourite Dr Who companion (more on that in a later post). And how I really liked skating so much last night, I want to train again tonight (two days in a row and I’m hooked).  How dreaming about being lost in a big house is not all that scary, but I’d like to know why. And how I’m really thinking of getting a wrist tattoo- I’ve never thought of visible tattoos before, but this one seems to be on my mind. It’s personal, but you might get the details later

Thanks for coming into my scary mind- it’ll be a little more normal soon.

Already I’ve broken my promise to walk and record. I missed the perfect photograph. Instead of being grateful I’m feeling a little unloved and resentful.

I wish I could be more postitive about this positivity thing

So I’m trying to change- change me, my habits, my situation, my mood. That’s hard.

So today I …..

• started my new job
• recorded my feelings
• walked
• wondered
• photographed
• talked to a stranger
• met new challenges positively.

They are little steps, but indeed a start.

Tomororow I will…

• walk
• record
• and be grateful