Maybe starting this so close to my birthday, wasn’t a good idea. This week has not been good.
I’m happy to gloss over the fact I haven’t been to the gym, and the only excercise I did was skating training (2 hours) on Tuesday night. I’ll linger a little longer on the fact I’ve started seeing a psychologist about my lack of motivation, commitment and issues with food. (more…)
After regaining my whole weight loss (3 piddling kilos) of January to September 2007, in October to December 2007- I’m trying a different approach.
Strangely enough, I’ve been mulling it over for months- but it shames and disturbs me so much, I didn’t really want to put it online. Because then it is real, and public, and I’m accountable.
Which is a few of the reasons I wanted a diet blog separate from my personal one in the first place. (more…)
I have to say, generally, my fitness kick is doing ok. Not reaching the 6 time s a week peak I want, but still successfully getting there 3-4 times a week, baby steps.
I don’t think I’m going so well with food. Weekends tend to blow out. I’ve been down lately, so the Macca’s breakfasts and lardy coffee confections have slipped in. I’m trying though.
I’m still buying big clothes, cos I love them and they fit. I got a great top on ebay last week and decidied to wear it out, cos I felt sexy in it.
But this photo below makes me look so fat. I know it’s a bit of comparision and Tony’s a skinny man- but I look huge. This is the photo on the fridge moment. I love the top, but I hope I really didn’t look that fat. 
Fast food sucks.
Last night, about 11, coming home from Tony’s I was really hungry. I’d had some bikkies and dip, wine and few chips since my big breakfast- so I was a bit peckish. I seem to find that going to the gym makes me hungrier, I don’t think that’s a good thing.
Anyway, after driving to a few better choices (all shut), I dropped into the local Macca’s for a smal chips and some McNuggets. When I got to them they were cold and gross, but I ate them anyway.
This morning I’m grumpy, depressed, shouty, weepy and irritable. I didn’t even feel like nookie. I must be Morgan Spurlock 
Anyway, this is my proof that fast food is a bad, bad thing.
I’m not sure this is for me: dieting and blogging. It all seems so hard. I’m no good at writing down my feelings with food- I want to hide it, the food, the feelings, my fat. I’m trying but it’s hard.
Small successes today: sunday brekky outing- rather than eggs, bacon, hash browns and holandiase sauce, I compromised with Trukey, avo and camenbert crossaint. Not great but better.
No ice cream or lollies at the candy bar, even though I was faning for some peanut M&M’s.
I’ve been very good since I got home. So far- today’s been good and I’m about to go to bed.
Well, there is only a few days until I take control again.
As part of my ‘easing into’ weight loss again, I’m trying to give myself a last try at those things I won’t be able to have much of.
BMB had to go out, so I ‘treated’ myself to some HJ’s. I didn’t really feel like it, but as I tend to do this sort of stuff on my own [throwbacks to binging behaviour] I wanted to do it while he was out. I debated myself whether I should get HJ’s, KFC or milk bar takeaway. In the end it doesn’t matter, they all have the end result- keep me at my current weght and spark minor IBS. 
I went for HJ’s as I love the mayonaise on the Bacon deluxe, but it seems the universe is working against me, as the silly bint at the counter gave me a Whopper instead. No lovely mayo, just dodgy pickles……………….
I almost called them, but what’s the use? It’s karma- reminding I should stop stuffing around once and for all.
Today I went to the gym. I have a free 7 day pass and I intend on going at least every weekday. It seemed nice, like Bodybalance in Mt Isa. Friendly, open, focused on the clients. I can’t say I like the packages, but I think I can make it suit me.
I haven’t been eating great, but it could be worse- Christmas and all that, with the end of work, there is heaps of chocolate in the house and my brain is convinced, it must be eaten now. There’s also a leg of ham to finish and holidays means eggs for breakfast.
There was a letter from my doctor today, asking me to follow up on a blood test in October. My cholesterol is quite high and he is concerned about something else. The letter has made me a little annoyed. It infers that I should follow up on a test, that they should not have to remind me. This was a check- up, I assumed that if there was something wrong, I would be contacted. That seems to be what other doctors do. I’m not looking forward to the appointment tomorrow, I believe there will be discussion of weight and nutrition and somehow I don’t think I’ll like any of it
To tell you the truth, it’s not been going well. I had no chance to excercise this week and no motivation to keep on trak with eating. I have been tired and bored with ‘good food’ and feel deprived and lost.
So this week has been a binge of junk food, hiding food and general selfhate. I like to call it the Suicde Diet- the idea that maybe eating myself to death wouldn’t be such a bad idea, becasue at least I could die happy. Don’t call the guys in white coats for me yet- this is not an indication of wanting to do self harm, as such. I have learnt that I am too much of a wuss. What it really is, is the realisation that I have to change, but the petualnt child, my Veruca Salt if you will, doesn’t want to.
Last week I bought a family block of chocolate, hid it and ate it. I think I also had Brodies at some stage. Sunday I bought more choclate- I’ve only eaten half of it (so far).
This week, I had to cook Monday night’s dinner, as BMB was at Executive till late. So I rewarded myself with a apple pie and cream. Not taking into account I had pie and cream Saturday night. Tuesday and Thursday I had a Gloria Jean’s Violet Crumble Iced Chocolate- with cream. I knew Peter would be out on Saturday so I planned to have the rest of the pies and KFC. I didn’t actually feel like it yesterday, but did it anyway.
It’s not that I can’t control my food cravings, but part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants the lardy goodness. I’ve been tired and stressed and so my self- resolve to combat my Veruca is not strong enough.
But I’ve drawn the line in the sand. It ends today- and I’ll try again next week to get on top of it. I’ve downloaded some diet diary trials to keep me on track, so I’ll give them a go. I’m also investigating some ‘alternative’ support, maybe hyponsis or acupunture.
Well, the good news is that we got in a quick walk this afternoon, hopefully setting a pattern for the rest of the week. I also threw out the rest of the top ‘n’ fill without submitting.
Bad News is that BMB bought Halloween choccies for any trick or treaters. We got two lots, but now there are Freddos hiding in my fridge and the little chocolate forg demons are calling my name!
We’ve had cake all week, thanks to BMB’s birthday leftovers. Part of 2 cakes and icecream- EVERY NIGHT!! So now I have a sugar craving after every evening meal. Weekends are becoming a bit of a disaster too, parties and drinks are really messing up my system. (of course, the half a can of carmel top ‘n’ fill tonight probably didn’t hurt either.