So while Saturday night I had 1.5 beers, some greasy food and half a piece of cake (Bec took the other half off me in an amazing display of discipline) and Wednesday night was curry with friends, this week has been all about hauling ass. Surprisingly, it worked!

I’ve never been motivated to exercise, I hate pain and perspiration and think that grunting and sweating is time that could be better spent nurturing your mind or belly. However, I understand that it is a necessary evil to lose weight and so I must worship at the altar of the treadmill, despite my inability to enjoy it.

I did 30 minutes of cardio on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday mornings. I also did weight Monday, Tuesday and Friday morning and skated for the whole session on Tuesday (2 hours). So all in all, I’m blown away with how much exercise I did.

I have to thank BMB for a bit of motivation too- Friday morning was particularly difficult, but he kicked me out of bed without a second glance. It’s good when tough love works.

Currently- 106.2 kgs

I won’t go into details, but having a salad during the day is the killer- I’m used to something more substantial and that can throw me off. Although my biggest weakness is wanting to eat while I’m driving, strange I know, but I guess the car and junk food snacks are a connection I need to break.

The psych seems to be working.

Did I mention that I went to Adelaide last weekend and ate myself stupid?

Currently- 107.1kgs

I’m happy to gloss over the fact I haven’t been to the gym, and the only excercise I did was skating training (2 hours) on Tuesday night. I’ll linger a little longer on the fact I’ve started seeing a psychologist about my lack of motivation, commitment and issues with food.

As always, I’ll linger longest on food- wonderful food. There’s always the good; Wednesday night for my birthday we had a wonderful pasta with a lovely creamy sauce and I made Nigella choc- cherry cupcakes. We only ate one each, kept one each for last night and packed the rest off to treat the husbands workmates. I’ve been pretty good with cravings and such, but I think my birthday treats have hit a crazy button and now I’m a binge waiting to happy.

There’s the bad: I haven’t been as conscientious with this as I like, but I’ve been trying to balance it. You know, steak sandwich in the pub and nothing but shakes and bars for the rest of the day. usually for me, there have only been a few slip ups. Then there are the outside incfluences- morning tea at work and birthday celebrations at the inlaws. I’m not good when there is lots of lovely things in front of me. Sunday it was mad, chips, violet crumble, lollies, kabana- you name it. No matter how I tried I could stop eating it.

Then there’s the ugly- today I’m considering secretly throwing this weekend to the wolves. We have my birthday celebrations tomorrow, a Tupperware party Sunday (hosted by me) and peter’s gaming Sunday. All prime oppurtunities to go nuts. The worst thing is I’m craving my past life past breakfast (bacon and egg roll and jumbo latte) and I can’t stop thinking about my school days tuckhops favouite- hot pie on a white bread roll.

I know how junkies must feel when they can’t get a fix. I would *kill* someone for some junk food right now. yesterday I’m poring over recipe books and food magazine, hoping the visual stimulation would make it better. No siree- I just want it more. I don’t know what’s in this stuff, but I think it’s messing with my head.

Weigh in- 108.8 (home) /109.3 (dietician)

Strangely enough, I’ve been mulling it over for months- but it shames and disturbs me so much, I didn’t really want to put it online. Because then it is real, and public, and I’m accountable.

Which is a few of the reasons I wanted a diet blog separate from my personal one in the first place.

So what it is, is that I’m on a very low calorie meal replacement program- with the full supervision and blessing of my nutritionist and GP. I hate the fact that I even have to do it- it’s like saying the logical option failed. Or that I failed and need to be on the diet equivalent of remedial education.

I’m not doing the full nothing but shakes option, I’m having one meal a day and supplementing it with fruit and a salad, but it is restrictive.So far, I’ve been ok, but weekends and social events are throwing me.

In the last week I’ve lost about 2.5 kgs. if I have a decent weight loss next week, I might be back to where I was in September. I’m planning to stay on it for about 12 weeks, until school goes back for Term 2.
I’m going to try to get back to the gym tomorrow and see how it will go with exercise. While it’s not something I would do of my own accord, if it loses the weight the doctors think I have to lose, maybe it will buy me some peace and quiet.

Weigh in: 108.8 (home) /110 (dietician)

So eating under control- I need ot concentrate on the harder part, excercise. Between illness, work and going away I haven’t been in 6 weeks. I was going to go this morning, but the siren call of work is calling. I might step out this afternoon, to the gym or just for a walk. We’ll see- but I need to get back, its’ the only way to make it work.

I had a few good weeks for a while there- the food tasted good, excercise was easy and the kilos came off.

Then I got bored, sick, tired and the wheels came off the bandwagon again. I’m trying like hell to get back on it- but it’s hard.

It’s all about making and breaking habit that I don’t think I have the brain power or perseverence for.

Anyway- time for bed. I’m going to try to get to the gym in the morning.

While trying- it hasn’t been all that successful until the last few weeks. We’re currently trying the CSIRO diet and I’ve lost about 2 kilos in two weeks. If I can maintina that rate of weight loss, I’ll be bale to think of babies by the time I get back to the cardiologist next July.

There’s been a plethora of emotion around those two issues for the last 12 months or so you have been fortunate to avoid. Instead I’ve dumped it all on my nutritionist. There’s a lot of emotion between me and food, but i have a lot of resolve to make this work.

Little steps at the moment, but it’s all encouraging.

I’m still having trouble being good on the weekend, but worst of all, work has been getting me down. The good thing is that BMB has steered me away from the junk food- the bad thing is, it’s still in the back of my mind.
I’ve got 10 days off and don’t know how I’ll cope- I tend to binge over Easter.
I’m not going to keep this off. So much for 95 by September.
I was looking forward to possibly making babies over summer…..

I don’t think I’m going so well with food. Weekends tend to blow out. I’ve been down lately, so the Macca’s breakfasts and lardy coffee confections have slipped in. I’m trying though.

I’m still buying big clothes, cos I love them and they fit. I got a great top on ebay last week and decidied to wear it out, cos I felt sexy in it.

But this photo below makes me look so fat. I know it’s a bit of comparision and Tony’s a skinny man- but I look huge. This is the photo on the fridge moment. I love the top, but I hope I really didn’t look that fat.